Flippin' Off the Blame Game

A 5-minute practice to redirect a Bitchface Monkey

It’s Flourishing Friday. To embody our truly weird, authentic muchness, let’s be mostly brave about our shadow side. Ever simmered in a sous vide of judgment, blame, or resentment? Today’s 5-minute practice (jump to steps) is for us. Plus, a song for our sponsor, Pacific Ocean.

Second Beach, La Push, WA, Quileute Indian Reservation. A wondrous place to lose one’s bitchy, blaming Self.

My friends used to call me Bitchface…

…cause I suck at hiding my emotions. They ooze from my pores like an abundance of roasted garlic. If I’m annoyed, everybody knows. Even my houseguests, who should leave after three days (or at least throw out their stinky fish). This week, as tiny irritants piled up around the house, Bitchface, aka Monkey of Control, wanted to shout:

“Why’d you set that garbage and all your stuff on the kitchen counter and leave it there? Do you expect me to clean up after you?”

A blame spiral can get ugly, fast. Bitchy Monkey imagines more stories to spew:

“You don’t give a crap about anybody but yourself. You don’t check in about plans or offer to help out; you do what you want. Let me know when your frontal lobe is fully matured.”

I hate to admit these Monkey Thoughts. I can’t hide ’em, and it wouldn’t be kind to speak them, so I hold ‘em. Meanwhile, my wine-loving, crunchy-snackaholic Monkey goes nuts on the couch, binge-watching “Hacks,” season 3.¹ Happily distracts me from the pain of these funky, judge-y feels.

My salvation? Turn the lens of judgment around and point it back to the source.

Yup. I’ve been that person who dumps her stuff everywhere. I’ve been that someone who only cares about what she wants to do. I’ve blown off people who wanted to connect with me around shared plans. I’ve been a thoughtless, mess-making, crap communicator. Probably even last week.

The least I can do is hold empathy in my heart for the imperfect, growing and evolving people in my life. Which is everybody. I can also be Mostly Brave and ask for what I want (“I need you to do the dishes, and move your stuff”). Like a grown-up.

Ever fall into a cycle of resentment and snacking? Try today’s 5-minute practice to stop playing the old Blame Game. See you in the comments 💗

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5-minute practice: Pointer Finger

From my deck, HeartsQuest: Creative Tools to Navigate Change

May this 5-min. practice shift from Blame to Radical Responsibility. This video features my ridiculous alter-ego Queen Poopicina sharing the potty-mouth ‘Holy Sh*t’ 💩 version of the tool, with a spontaneous song. Or, follow the steps below.

Pointer Finger: Can I take responsibility for how I feel?

• BREATHE deeply. Take a moment to RECALL a recent situation when you blamed someone. How did it feel? Did it work out?

• IMAGINE pointing your finger like a gun, and visualize directing it to that person.

• NOTICE: your focus is on them. “You did...”

• POINT the finger back to your heart. FINISH these three ‘I’ statements (out loud is best): ²
  “I felt...(your emotion)
  ”When you...(their behavior)”
  “Because I wanted or needed...”
  “And I'm afraid that...”

• REFLECT on these statements. “Now, I feel...”

Make it Real: Replace blame with understanding

• EXPLORE: Journal about the Pointer Finger tool, share below in the comments, or tell someone (perhaps the person that you blamed)

• CREATE: Write or draw 3 of your needs that aren’t being met right now. What needs to change?

• MANIFEST: This week, notice how often you blame someone else for how you feel (without blaming yourself, dear one!) To bring your focus back to you, and what you can change, try Hula Hoop tool.³

🗣️ Your turn: Fill in the Blanks!

1. Ever had houseguests stay longer than three days? How did it go?

2. What’s one thing other people do that boils your blood?

3. Do you let blame and judgment fester, or do you express your wishes and boundaries like a grownup? Which is better, haha?

Thank you for flipping the story on Blame 💝 Please click that heart, comment, or share with someone who wants to get out of the blame game. 🙏🏼💗🙌🏽 You’ve helped other Mostly Brave folx find their way to our community.

Spontaneous love song of the week: for the Magnificent Pacific Ocean

More to come,

1. “Hacks” is an excellent comedy series that tackles feminist, agist, egoist Monkey bizness.

2. These ‘I statements’ are variations on techniques I learned via Non-Violent Communication and training with the Compassionate Listening Project.

3. The Hula Hoop: a 5-minute practice to recognize boundaries.