Hi there! What’s your Heart’s Desire this year? As you step into a creative dream, look out for the Demander Monkey. He’s an expert sabotage artist who redirects your energy.
My vision is to make a short film based on my graphic novel, “Meet Your Monkeys.” The next steps involve some hard choices, and I found myself tidying my space instead! My heart led me to make this (imperfect) song and video, to lean into my filmmaking dream and develop some rough improvised ideas. Thank you for watching, sharing, comments, hearts…You got this!
Meet the Demander Monkey!
Through deep exploration of my inner archetypes, Internal Family System (IFS) parts, my inner child characters, etc. I came to know them quite well. I noticed recurring patterns of sabotaging behaviors when the Monkeys take over my mind.
In making my graphic novel, I developed four Monkey character types: The Demander, the Distractor, the Downer, and the Defender.1
The Demander Monkey acts like a Manager part in IFS.
Manager Parts run the day-to-day life of the individual
Attempt to keep the individual in control of every situation and relationship in an effort to protect parts from feeling any hurt or rejection
Can do this in any number of ways or through a combination of parts -- striving, controlling, evaluating, caretaking, terrorizing, and so on.2
The Demander Monkey works on me through a controlling, compulsive, and authoritative vibe. He says, “You MUST…” He’s the king of SHOULDS. He dictates taking actions that our culture’s programming deems important or worthwhile. As a protective creature, he wants me to get the reward of doing what’s expected. And to avoid the social risks inherent in creative work. It takes awareness, courage and Heart to stand up to him! (see tips below.)
For creatives like us, Demander Monkey energy looks like:
Procrastination. You’ll do anything else but the hard, risky thing. Even if it’s a task you despise. Hilarious!
Perfectionism. You can’t move through the creative process until the Demander makes you get it totally right. So it may never get done (how does that feel?)
People-pleasing. If anyone gives you a hint that they need or want something, you drop everything and rush to help. Helping others matters! But so does your creative voice, right? Right.
Micro-managing. I’ve noticed that Control Monkey is common in those of us who grew up in adverse conditions.3 We may ask you to help, but then we don’t trust your ability to do it RIGHT - the way we want it to be done. Sound familiar?
Shout out to parents, caregivers, teachers, etc. 🙏🏼 Thank you for showing up for others who depend on you. I’ve been there. It’s NOT easy to protect your time or follow the inner whispers of your heart in a busy, stressed environment. Can you make a little, imperfect ‘something’ toward your dream, to keep the thread alive?
Can we let things be Messy?
I’m so grateful for this quote from Clarissa Pinkola Estés, in Women Who Run With the Wolves, says it so well. I’d seen the deep regrets of my female ancestors, who longed to write, but rarely allowed themselves to.
“I've seen women insist on cleaning everything in the house before they could sit down to write... and you know it's a funny thing about housecleaning... it never comes to an end. Perfect way to stop a woman. A woman must be careful to not allow over-responsibility (or over-respectabilty) to steal her necessary creative rests, riffs, and raptures. She simply must put her foot down and say no to half of what she believes she "should" be doing. Art is not meant to be created in stolen moments only.”
Preferences and tolerances for the level of cleanliness span a wide spectrum. Clearing a space of clutter and cobwebs can benefit your intentions, creating more clarity and well-being. It’s a question of discernment: how does my desire for order impact my creative output? Trust your gut. I encourage you to separate that inner knowing from the familiar feeling of ‘should.’
This issue can affect anyone, not just those born female. Demander Monkey grew up in a capitalist patriarchy. He orders us to be productive at all costs, even if it affects our health and life expectancy. As a recovering workaholic, I spent many long evenings at my desk, not even taking a pee break! 🤪
Ideas to Explore Your Demander Monkey:
Notice when you feel you simply MUST do something (I have to do it NOW, or it’s a disaster!) Hmm. Really? The power of inner parts is that they operate in the shadows of your subconscious. Bring it into the light. Identify this drive as a protective part that’s trying to keep you safe. Pause, notice, and smile inwardly.
Recognize that you have a choice. In that pause, another power can emerge: mindfulness. Take a deep breath. Soften your belly. Drop your shoulders. What now? No need to force anything to happen. Simply be with what is.
Where does your energy want to flow? You may decide to go ahead and do the thing. Or, you may gently redirect your Demander Monkey energy back to your Heart’s desire, or to what really matters.
Reinforce the neuropathways. Whenever you notice this happening, give yourself a high five 🙌🏽 dopamine hit to celebrate! Do a little happy dance 💃🏻 or whatever makes you smile.
As you go through your days, notice how often this Demander energy arises. It’s ok. It’s so human. Please don’t beat yourself up, darlin.’ Rather, breathe into your self-compassionate heart, to receive courage, kindness and strength.
How does Demander Monkey show up in your creative world?
Thanks for dropping a heart or a comment. If an inner Demander Monkey plagues someone you know, please share this. It makes my heart smile :))
As a multi-passionate maker, I’ve faced the Monkeys of Fear in many creative corners. My writing, illustration, and design work has appeared in Time Magazine, feature films, television, newspapers, and YA fantasy novels. I’ve sung and performed on stages and festivals on the West Coast. HeartsQuest creative healing decks are used in therapeutic settings (and in bathrooms across the USA - Holy Sh*t! 52 Self-care Tools for People who Poo.) More at HeartsQuest.com. I love to encourage you to show up for what YOU love most.
Big Thanks to Mae O’Brien, my nibbling and recent Kansas City Art Institute illustration grad, who created this character art during their internship with me.
The Internal Family Systems Model includes Manager parts: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internal_Family_Systems_Model
Prevalence of Adverse Childhood Experiences Among U.S. Adults
Demander Monkey Tidies Up