I’ve been sitting with our conversation since we recorded it, and I’m really looking forward to Part 2—especially diving deeper into what I’ve come to call the Dam, the Reservoir, the canalized river, and the Side Canyons. These aren’t just metaphors—they’re parts of my own terrain, and they’ve shown up again and again as I’ve integrated more than 16 traumas. Each one followed a similar rhythm, and that pattern became the foundation of my model.
What I began to see, over time, is that true integration doesn’t happen just because we want it to. There’s a certain internal condition that must be met first—like fertile ground after rain. My model grew from that realization, after years of wandering through my canyon, often without a clear path. I was always searching—always trying to become better, different, more of what others thought I “should” be. And I never arrived. I just kept circling, repeating, exhausting myself.
When I finally stopped, everything changed. My body simply said: “No more. I’m done.” Not in a dramatic way—just a deep, worn-out, honest stop. No more complying, no more reacting on autopilot, no more pretending I could just keep going. That’s when things began to shift.
What shocked me most was realizing how not in control I had been.
Even though I was aware and mindful, my body still reacted before I could catch up. And that’s not a flaw—it’s human. We are built to respond to threat autonomously. And yet, I needed to find a way to change those reactions.
That was the dilemma.
The turning point came when I started to observe myself like in slow motion. And what I saw?
95% of my actions were not truly mine.
They were programmed responses—obedience, compliance, people-pleasing, survival. Conditioned into me by violence, fear, and the need to belong. I’d say it openly now: in April 2024, I realized that maybe only 5% of what I had called “me” was actually mine.
The Canyon Model rose from that reckoning.
And the walk continues. Thank you for holding space for it, Christine—and for everyone joining us.
I can’t wait to explore the Dam, what build it, the Reservoir and it's function, the River and how it came to be canalized, and the formation, of course, of our Side Canyons and why that is essential to understand for this model, next time.
I love your focus for our conversation, Part 2. I’m excited to learn more about the structures you built to survive - and the ways you creatively moved toward integration.
Christine,
I’ve been sitting with our conversation since we recorded it, and I’m really looking forward to Part 2—especially diving deeper into what I’ve come to call the Dam, the Reservoir, the canalized river, and the Side Canyons. These aren’t just metaphors—they’re parts of my own terrain, and they’ve shown up again and again as I’ve integrated more than 16 traumas. Each one followed a similar rhythm, and that pattern became the foundation of my model.
What I began to see, over time, is that true integration doesn’t happen just because we want it to. There’s a certain internal condition that must be met first—like fertile ground after rain. My model grew from that realization, after years of wandering through my canyon, often without a clear path. I was always searching—always trying to become better, different, more of what others thought I “should” be. And I never arrived. I just kept circling, repeating, exhausting myself.
When I finally stopped, everything changed. My body simply said: “No more. I’m done.” Not in a dramatic way—just a deep, worn-out, honest stop. No more complying, no more reacting on autopilot, no more pretending I could just keep going. That’s when things began to shift.
What shocked me most was realizing how not in control I had been.
Even though I was aware and mindful, my body still reacted before I could catch up. And that’s not a flaw—it’s human. We are built to respond to threat autonomously. And yet, I needed to find a way to change those reactions.
That was the dilemma.
The turning point came when I started to observe myself like in slow motion. And what I saw?
95% of my actions were not truly mine.
They were programmed responses—obedience, compliance, people-pleasing, survival. Conditioned into me by violence, fear, and the need to belong. I’d say it openly now: in April 2024, I realized that maybe only 5% of what I had called “me” was actually mine.
The Canyon Model rose from that reckoning.
And the walk continues. Thank you for holding space for it, Christine—and for everyone joining us.
I can’t wait to explore the Dam, what build it, the Reservoir and it's function, the River and how it came to be canalized, and the formation, of course, of our Side Canyons and why that is essential to understand for this model, next time.
Such an honor to witness your inner terrain!
I love your focus for our conversation, Part 2. I’m excited to learn more about the structures you built to survive - and the ways you creatively moved toward integration.
See you Wednesday ❤️🩹
We might need to go into round 3 for that request, Christine.