I Wanna Know What Love Is...

How a brave ask and a Valentine’s Day dance lifted years of baggage

Welcome, loves. Have you ever done something hard that led to an incredible moment?

For Valentine's Day 2017, I commit to (formerly) Eve Ensler's V-Day dance activism project.¹ Every day at noon for a week, women dance in public to show the world our beauty, freedom, and joy. An act of resistance to the ever-present threat of violence to our bodies, hearts, and spirits. Which I know quite well.

I never dreamed that I’d ask my dad to dance with me.

Our dance became an unforgettable moment of quantum healing

Our relationship nearly ended 45 years ago, when he threatened to disown me.

In my early 20’s, consumed with heavy life lessons in the school of sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll, I wanted nothing much to do with him, either.

Mom was just 18 when I was born, ill-prepared for motherhood. Dad was at college on a basketball scholarship. Soon to be a minister in training.

Their marriage was rocky. Our house was a war zone of extreme emotional outbursts. Sometimes violent. Neither parent had the emotional intelligence to handle the other. As hard as they both tried – I believe they did try – the ancient struggle between man and woman left its marks on all of us.

Now a retired psychologist, chaplain, and Lutheran minister, Dad’s matured a lot. Although I’ve struggled to understand his heart, we've mended and gotten closer.

Winter of 2017, I visited Dad and his wife, Susan, on the island of Roatan. Our family loves the ocean and exploring life under the waves. During my visit, I came to see how my way of being in the world was deeply different from Dad’s. He never wants to stand out under any circumstances, while I’m a natural performer. I love to sing and dance. I even created a one-woman show (inspired by Eve Ensler).

On Valentine’s Day, we took a beautiful, long snorkel swim, then Dad suggested lunch at Gio’s, his favorite restaurant. Close to noon, I started to sweat. How could I honor my commitment to V-Day and dance in public with my reserved dad sitting there? I certainly didn’t want to mention the activist theme of violence against women.

Dad wore a pink T-shirt. That was my sign. I had to get over myself and invite him to dance with me. Just us, on the deck, in front of several tables of people. Awkward?

This sweet Honduran family of women watched us dance.

“Hey, Dad, it’s Valentine’s Day. I’m doing a thing, where I commit to dancing every day for a week. Would you please dance with me?” I said, hopeful.

Dad looked over at Susan. She nodded (bless her heart). He shrugged, smiled, and said, “Sure.” What a surprise! 

We stood up, just the two of us. As we began a bit of a waltz, the music changed to a classic rock ballad from the 70s, “I Want to Know What Love Is,” by Foreigner. Dad held me close. I began to cry, tears falling on his pink T-shirt.

In my life, there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

This song and our dance removed many years of barriers to loving.

As we danced, I felt our past, present, and future shift in a confluence. A feeling of deep, forever, healing and acceptance washed over me, cleansing my heart of old residue. I sensed how he, too, had been a child of trauma. Uprooted by divorce, going back generations, he’d often felt betrayed by the women in his life. He suffered the way so many of us do: not receiving the kind of love that we long for.

In that moment, without drama, words, or anything but being present to the dance, the song, the blue sky, and the seagulls careening above, I could show him what love is. I loved him. Unconditionally.

It turns out, it’s simple to love. But it’s not always easy. I will always treasure this moment of turning toward a deeper love with my dad.

Thank you, Dad, for saying yes. Thank you for inviting me to share your love of the ocean with you and Susan. Thank you for opening your heart to me so we could mend our differences and feel compassion and understanding for each other.

Thank you also for my life. I love you,

Comments:

1. What’s your relationship like with your dad?

2. Have you ever danced in public in an awkward time or setting?

3. Ever considered how dancing is an act of resistance?

4. Did you know that violence harms 1 in 3 women worldwide?

---

As Brave Creatives, we face the Monkeys of Fear when we share our voices. 🙉🙊🙈
I’m grateful to share this space with you, so we can befriend our Monkeys together. If you’re curious, my work has appeared in Time Magazine, feature films and television, newspapers, YA fantasy novels, on stages, and in therapy offices and bathrooms across the USA 💩 More at HeartsQuest.com. 💗

1. One Billion Rising is the biggest mass action to end violence against women (cisgender, transgender, and those who hold fluid identities that are subject to gender-based violence) in human history. The campaign, which launched on Valentine’s Day 2012, began as a call to action based on the staggering statistic that 1 in 3 women on the Earth will be beaten or raped during her lifetime. With the world population at 7 billion, this adds up to more than ONE BILLION WOMEN AND GIRLS. Learn more at https://www.vday.org/